merry xmas, darien

to me, snow and cub! hile and merry xmas -
great to have brethren from my hometown out
here to help me through these days.
dazzling displays of xmas decoration such as
sparkling stars, glittering garlands and the
ever-present blaring of christmas songs, jazz
and wham, had me scared of my loneliness, flung
it in my face. the warmer the coffeeshop, the
stronger the smell of warm chocolate, hot coffee,
sweet cinnamon and my beloved earl grey, the more
afraid i grew of spending the night of 24th
without her.
in my despair i reached out - and there they
were. old companions - veterans of too many private
parties and privy to all those secret stories of
our sacred one-thirty-five. they have been there
and that makes all the difference.

that chinese girl and her two friends didn't know
we wanted to meet them (especially the cub)
and thus they unknowingly ditched us by being
in another part of town.
another old acquaintance, Laughter, took us in
with his group though. muscled men with glasses,
girls with braces and a lot of money, girls sitting
next to me telling me let's be friends, bars and cold
streets - it all passed me by. i listened to Laughter
and his laughter, however, the way he talks. it brought
back memories of butch, working at the exhibition. of
last year and, in turn, of Her.
suddenly that pseudo-goth band on stage playing horrible
cover versions that were only outdone by the terribly
bad screaming performance of the singer.
beans called us over and the cub tried to hit on her
friend, her who was only playing with him like a spider
playing with it's prey that is already tangled..
beans in distress. but unable to bear the advice because
sometimes advice has to be honest..
long island ice tea took me into the zone.
escape and reunion with Laughter and his friends. we cabbed
it to his friend's place where suddenly i started missing
Her. i called Her in the middle of the night. the girl
with the broken smile - i hardly remember what we ate
at that apartment - She displaced it all into the irrelevant.
everyone crashed at that place. a good thing not having
to fall asleep in my coffin, all alone.
the cub fell asleep in the toilet, good little brother of
mine. that was Laughter's and my last laughter of the day
knocking at the door trying to wake him up at past 4am.

slow and grainy, an overdose of sunlight.
what a terrible feeling to wake to. the cub with his face
in his hands, headache and maybe some self-loathing?
those good old little lies he sometimes likes to tell
girls he's working on. yar.
ramen for breakfast, tv and bleary eyes. this one girl
looked so different. alcohol or lack of makeup?
and then, just Laughter and me in the subway. i just listened,
enjoying the weird way he talks. memories, last night, plans
for the coming week, say true.
we arrived at my station and i said my goodbye. i walked out and
as i was about to pass him he said "don't hang out with Her,
it's bad for you" - and i felt how he cares. and i knew it's true.
a forced smile on my face was my answer and giving his sleeve
a squeeze i stepped out looking dead ahead.